Custody question, what rights does the father have?

  • Tlg81Tlg81 April 2011

    My babies father is no longer in the picture. He has been insensitive, angry & controlling towards me this entire pregnancy. He keeps saying he will help financially but has not bought her 1 thing or helped me with bills. He thinks I am doing things for her behind his back, but I look at it as just handling what needs to be done since I have done everything myself so far meaning me looking for her pediatrician, day care etc. he is now telling me he plans to take me to court for full custody! Can anyone give me advice as far as.what I can do now before she's here to keep her? Do I give her my name? Leave him off dedicate? I have no idea, I need help!

  • I_anayaI_anaya April 2011

    Unless you are unstable or a psycho addict you will have full custody, dont worry thts wat all guys say to try and scare us mommies but it wont happen.

  • mrs_shumrs_shu April 2011

    First off, give her your name. Imo kids who's main parent is mom and dad is half assed should have the mothers name. If you want child support put him on the birth certificate. After that the courts/judge will decide visitation. No man gets full custody EVER unless mom gives it up or is a raging crackhead with recent record. And with a newborn a judge ismt gonna gi e overniggts

  • beauty0710beauty0710 April 2011

    Me personally as soon as she's born I'd go get full custody...wen baby is born no one has custody...I'd actually strt taking the steps now like goin to family court and cn wat u hav to do to gain full custody...n wat steps to take aftr u hav gained custody bcuz he may try to fite u on this...Idk this is my first but I do kno tht no one has custody at birth

  • I didnt think he gets any rights unless his name is on your babys birth certificate. Idk tho just what I heard.

  • blessed1blessed1 April 2011

    First of all this is not the correct forum to get legal advice. I will strongly suggest you get legal advice from a lawyer or competent source. Second, you need to think that the baby is as much his as it is yours. Some of the advice here is totally wrong. The courts will give custody to whoever is the best parent over all, if both can prove they are good parents joint custody is a reasonable option. Third, your relationship with him has nothing to do with the relationship with his daugther - unless he is being abusive to you and you fear he might be abusive to the child. If he want to be in her life, do not obstruct it - or you might end up loosing custody. Money should also not be a factor here. Both have the same duty to support and care for the baby. The biggest factor is the well being of the child. Regarding the name, unless she doesn't have a known father she should carry her father's name. She does have a father who want to be in her life, do not make her go thru life as if she was a bastard with no father. I understand that you want to keep custody, and that is a good sign. But why not joint custody? Again be fair and do not try to separate her from her father. Ask your lawyer what alienation means, you can even loose custody if you try to do that!

  • Ellie3712Ellie3712 April 2011

    He will have shared parental rights and responsibilities. He has rights to his child that are protected by the constitution. You can fight to have his rights terminated if there is evidence to support it. Seek an opinion from a lawyer or Google the laws for your state. Even prison inmates get visitation with their kids. Good luck. I fought this battle with my first.

  • @tlg81 Document EVERYTHING! For your protection and benefit in the future...do ur research on your state laws and try to contact a professional for advice on things u can and can't do. But if you havnt had her yet u might want to do ur research just so that u are prepared b4 u act on it..u never kno what can happen when she comes. Mayb he'll be there once reality sets in..not sticking up for him, just sayin...being pregnant and having the baby are 2 totally different things, especially in a mans eyes! My sons father hasn't ever been in the picture and I wouldn't have it any other way. However, even tho I hated him with a passion I gave him the benefit of the doubt and he didn't change..like I said tho I wouldn't have it any other way! Every situation is different but I wish u the best of luck! (I would definitely give her your last name tho!)

  • rihannamom11rihannamom11 April 2011

    The father has more rights then ladies think,if your an unfit mother he has to prove that to get full custody other wise it will be 50/50 or visitation

  • Kate_KKate_K April 2011

    I wouldn't give her his name or put his name on there. He has to ask for rights then.... he can't get full custody without proving you unfit....

  • cetheridgecetheridge April 2011

    @blessed1 i agree 150%

  • hurstk28hurstk28 April 2011

    @blessed1: i totally agree with you.

  • blessed1blessed1 April 2011

    I am surprised at the amount of horrible advice in here! Trying to separate them from the beginning and negating him of his right from the beginning is not the right thing to do, if he wants to be in her life. BTW, I recently had a court case where not giving the little boy his father’s last name and not including him on the birth certificate was the first thing brought up in court to prove alienation. The court will prefer if the parents can reach a joint custody agreement. If that can not be accomplished custody is awarded to whoever can be best for the child, period! Being the father or being the mother.

  • lilbabythreelilbabythree April 2011

    There are a few things that you need to think about. Please get help from an actual lawyer. There are ones that will do free consultations.
    The first thing is the name. IF you want you can name your child superman with a sur name (last name) as spiderman. You are the one that is giving birth to the child you can name it what ever you want. So the last name thing is up to you, so is the first and the middle. Just because the baby does not have his last name doesnt mean that she wont know her father or that he is less of her father. It doesnt matter what you name her she still has half of his DNA and there is nothing you, him or her can do about that. So just do what you feel is right.
    The court thing is.... protection is key. If he is abusive to you the you should get a restraining order. To protect yourself. Also if you fear for you babys safety then you should get one for her and you can get one before she is born that he cant be around her whe she is born for her safety. After that the court will get involved and determine the child support, visitation, and other arragements that need to be made in determining the safety of the child and what is best for the child. Another thing you need to keep in mind is that keep track of everything. Every threating phone call, abusive words in public, anything that you dont feel comfortable with. The court will order him to pay half of the medical costs, (related to her- usually birthing charges) her doctors appointments, daycare, and anything else related to her.

    You have a lot to think about and I would look to actual legal advice for indepth help with this situiation.

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  • Hunny name your child whatever you like... I'm in the same situation and my child will not have her father's last name. He says he will be there for her and I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt. But do get legal advice. The name thing has nothing to do with any court proceedings but I do believe him being on the birth certificate or not does. I dislike my child's father with a passion but he is her father and I can't deny that. Good luck with everything hun. God bless!

  • Tlg81Tlg81 April 2011

    @blessed1 and others, I believe you owe me a apology for I never said I want to obstruct our detour his parental rights. I stated I was worried what my rights were since he is threatening to take full custody of her. He is mentally & verbally abusive to me which I will not tolerate. I don't mind if he has a role in my daughters life & again never said I would try to prevent it. I just want him to leave me alone & stop threatening me. I have no problem with her father being in her life &.will not prevent it. I just plan on keeping full custody of her because it is a womans natural sense to be the main care giver & there is nothing close to a mothers love.

  • lizken09lizken09 May 2011

    Don't put his name on the birth cert. He has no right to her then only way he can prove it is by a dna test and those cost a pretty penny so I doubt that he will pay for it if he hasn't help with her yet

  • lizken09lizken09 May 2011

    He can still have a part in her life and u will not have to worry

  • @tlg81
    I didn't put my exes name on the birth certificate because he never showed back up at the hospital to sign it. He was verbally and mentally abusive to me and now I wish he wasn't in my daughters life. He says and does things around her that any normal person would never ever do. He is very intelligient but has zero common sense. If your ex is anything like mine please do take the precautions suggested above, and document everything. You may not need it but it will help should you end up in a situation that calls for you to take him to court. Even if he seems like his demeanor has improved you'll never regret having an account of what transpires. I wish you the best of luck and pray he won't do anything foolish.

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  • mom60511mom60511 May 2011

    I can't believe in this day and age that just because a mother chooses to give a baby her last name that the baby is going to be referred to as a bastard. Unreal



  • @Tlg81 ... Im sorry you're going through all of this... And I'm even more sad to hear about all the deadbeat fathers it sounds like some of the women on here have had to deal with. It's so sad and frustrating from our persepective...

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  • Tlg81Tlg81 May 2011

    @mikeandronadopt thanks for your support. I know everyone has opinions & I would never keep my baby from her father which is what some people believe. Im just stressed & scared, I have done everything for this baby & have bonded with her that im scared because he makes more money then I that he would be able to take her.

  • Im going through the same thing right now I don't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving my baby alone with him not abusive but health wise his house has fleas bad he smokes cigarettes in the house plus he is on probation cuz he failed his drug test but he said that he is going to get hold of his attorney he makes a lot more money than me and he is a lot older but he has a bad record this is my first baby but I take care of my niece too I'm just scared that he is going to take my baby

  • What bothers me the most the one thing that I expected him to remember is my due date and he can't even remember that so how can I expect him to remember anything else

  • mandac10mandac10 May 2011

    I am so not reading all this thread lol! So idk if someone said this. Give the baby ur last name do not put him on the bc and do not go for cs. I learned my lesson with my daughter. Because I went for cs which he never pays and if he would it would b less then $200 a month plus he has visiting rights plus the courts may now give her his last name. Stay clear of bd do not do a dna test. Raise her urself and someday you'll meet a nice man that will raise her as his own. Its easier not to deal with the stress n drama if bd if ur not working out

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    Don't know where you all live.....I'm in pa and here the law (like in many other states) is basically what's called 9/10ths. Meaning simply.....unless you let him take the baby, he will have to go through full court process to gain custody (unless he proves the baby is in danger under tour care). Possession in whoever has it until proven different. Whatever you do...Do NOT let him take the baby for a one on one visit. No matter how nice he's being or what he says. The moment he leaves with the child he automatically has custody until YOU take him to court. Also food for thought.... Get a protection from abuse order (PFA) the moment the baby is born...it will give you custody.. ..from there you can negotiate terms of custody and visitation with him.....but if he threatens you he silk go to jail.

  • Wow. Father's have rights, end of story! Just because we have a messed up judicial system and money grubbers on child support does NOT mean a child should be taken from their father. Some of the "advice" here is the stupidest pack of crap I have ever had the misfortune to read! Social development along with other health issues are the natural responsibility of the father in child rearing, and this barbaric attitude that fathers shouldn't be with their children is exactly why a lot of them are not! Men know they are screwed from the moment the test comes up positive. Children in our country are deprived the relationship they should have with fathers due to court systems who benefit financially from it and money grubbing possessive mothers who care more about themselves than the true well-being of the children. Are there fathers out there that don't give a crap? Absolutely... but point one of them out and you can point out a mother who is exactly the same. Wake up people.

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    @techgirlpa......I'm all for there's two sides to everything. I don't agree with keeping the babies daddy out of the loop. Or not naming him as the father on the birth cert. I'm saying there are things she can do to maintain custody until arrangements are reached, as well as protecting herself from threats. I hope I did not give you an anti daddy impression. I'm all for parental rights on both sides, so long as it benefits baby.

  • @Bethybaby. No its all this crap about get a pfa and don't let him take the child. Its ridiculous. My partner and I were raising his kids while his physically and mentally abusive ex partied, and then She decided she didn't want to work anymore and filed for custody. Due to her having a vagina she was given 70% of the time with them, and the kids and my daughter who was living as their sister have had to pay the price including my daughter seeing a therapist. The youngest comes home and has called us names she has taught him and says things like "bitch". I have to work several jobs to keep a home for five soon to be six, while She continues to abuse from afar. There's nothing like finding your partner crying his eyes out in his children's room because he misses them so badly. These moronic ideas that men don't love their children or deserve equal time with them are contributing to the emotional issues more and more children have these days, but as long as one person gets their way, its ok for everyone else to suffer.

    Taking a child from a parent is wrong on every level unless they are truely abusive. And making fathers see their kids every other weekend IS taking them away. Any woman can say She's the woman so she must be the better parent, and that that somehow justifies in her mind her actions, but it doesn't make it so. Good dads lose their kids every day, and until people start looking at reality it will continue to happen.

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    Um okay, the pfa crap is to protect HER from abuse. She clearly stated she was being threatened. I'm sorry the court system screwed you...but I think you may be letting your situation get in the way of what tig81 is saying. Besides what kind of father starts with custody crap with a woman pregnant with his child. If he'd cared, he'd care about the stress the mother can put on the baby as well during pregnancy.

  • @Bethybaby. The kind who can't see his child. Also, I know mothers in my state who have lost their kids by the exact same way.. its not just about fathers, but their treatment on here is terrible. Every single person I know who has had a custody case has either won or lost their children! That is the real problem! To be frank, the Guy probably doesn't like the fact that she holds all the cards and he's left to likely end up paying for a child he can't raise himself. We have a high sluicide rate in our country for people who's children have been taken, and I personally have offered help online to men AND woman who its happened to. And my partners situation only has verified the need for people to stop and think. My ex didn't see my daughter for over six years, and it impacted her health greatly. That was his decision, but had he been there he could have been. I've lived every angle of the scenario and was kept from my father most of my childhood and lived with a mother who was severely depressed and hoarded and affected every level of who I am today. So... before you assume, I suggest you know the whole story.

    I don't agree with anyone harrassing anyone, but I Can say that with all of the people I have met in the same situation, I can understand where he's coming from. I can also understand her point of view, but him saying he's gonna take her to court is not abuse. In heated situations involving kids and money, people act crazy. Another reason why there needs to be equal parenting laws and a real judicial system that doesn't advocate the fighting between parents. The only reason there isn't is because of child support which makes local government offices enormous amounts of money.

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    Ok, agian you are jumping...i never assumed anything about you.... I simply made my comment on what she stated. And you are assuming what this guys thoughts are just as well..... I'm basing on a scared pregnant girl who is afraid of having get unborn taken away asking for advice. I made a comment about someone stating they were abused. End of story. I gave my opinion based on her comment, I'm sorry you're an angry person and don't agree. I still think people are entitled to give advice when asked(that's what the forum is about), she asked, people gave. Just because you don't agree doesn't mean its wrong.

  • Third paragraph. I trust www.ehow.com , they've never let me down.

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  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    @caroline8_p, thanks for the site :)

  • @Tlg81. Hi. First, I don't want you to think my posts are directed to you, they are directed at some of the moronic things I've read here. Second, my best advice for you is to try to work with this guy as much as possible. He sounds like a pain to you, but there are two sides to the story. I don't know if his real concern is the baby or money, but either is a powerful motivator to act like a whacko. I do hope for your child's sake that he wants to be with her and isn't just worried about his wallet. If that's the case it should be a lot easier for you to work together once things cool down. People threaten when they feel backed into a corner, and while I don't know your whole situation, its what I've gathered from what you've said about him. If I were you, I'd stop asking him for anything involving money and offer him some time with her. If she doesn't really know him as of yet, Just tell him you'd like to be there at first until she adjusts. Meet at a park or something and observe how they are together. Encourage them to have a relationship. Really Its the only way to draw a conclusion as to what's motivating him. That's why I say about money because if he doesn't have a reason to worry about that, and he doesn't show up to see her, you'll know that's all he's thinking about. I don't know, but I do believe its not in a child's best interest to lose a parent, but if he's the type who ends up walking away, at least its on his head and not yours. Be the one with her best interests at heart, and the one willing to bend. Good luck to you hon.

    Also it's ridiculous that you are the one doing all of her scheduling.. not on your part but his. At the same time he might be just So obsessed with thinking that you're not "letting" him do anything that that could aid in his attitude. I just think your situation could get a lot worse and the better parent is the one willing to work with the other. Most judges if you get to court will go for the parent most willing to work with the other.

  • your welcome @bethybaby

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  • Unfortunately this is the type of crap we deal with in central pa: http://www.lockhaven.com/page/content.detail/id/531420/High-court-reprimands-local-judges.html?nav=5009

    This article was in our very recent news. This same "judge" grabbed a 16 year old rape victim and threatened her to not make him look bad in the courtroom.

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    Yeah.... I live in northeast pa..... I know the crap too.

  • @Bethybaby. You should check out that link then. Also another good one is WWW.paface.org which is also pa based. The first link is the same judge who took my partners kids, and in every case I've investigated from him, the parent making the most has been the parent to lose their kids. My daughters therapist was raising her son and suddenly had him taken by the father who couldn't be bothered before. Its about money unfortunately, and I just wish people would start thinking about others rather than themselves. Really for me that's what it all boils down to. In our case my partner will eventually get his kids back because his ex is abusive and will mess up, but there are a lot of parents out there who don't deserve to lose their kids. The sad thing is it really could happen to anyone. My ex could take me to court tomorrow and I could lose my daughter to him. It should be about well-being and equal parenting rights so people don't throw punches at eachother over it. When we met with lawyers last year to fight his ex, two of them told us not to bother if the judge thought his ex was attractive. These are local lawyers who are in front of him every day. Its just very sad that things can be this way. We should be encouraging parents to get along for the kids.

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    I understand...... Your ex should appeal if you feel that strongly. In tig81 case I was only advising based on what she said and trying to look out for someone staying they are being abused. Sorrt if I offended your situation.

  • @Bethybaby. No hon you definitely didn't, I just get worked up when I see father bashing unfortunately with everything I've seen. I originally skipped over this thread but my partner opened it on his phone and so I ended up checking it out against my own better judgement. As I guessed prior to, I'm still awake and irritated when I think of all the people I've met in this type of situation. We started an appeal to the superior court but the judge somehow got his hands on it before it was sent through and responded with a nasty letter about my partner saying that he had been badmouthing his ex (all he did was talk about the abuse and ask three times for a mediator and counciling). I should also mention that my partners dad is on the drug task force and has to go in front of and argue with this same judge all of the time. I think our case was just biased against my partners family as that's common practice around here. There was evidence that my partner was raising the kids and his ex purgered herself over and over but it didn't make a difference for us. I just hope and pray every day that things will get better, not just for us but for everyone who has lost their kids.

  • No offence intended to anyone here but as a dad myself and in law enforcement also. It pisses me off when I see so many comments saying the father basically has no rights and has to prove they are fit to be a parent. No woman has to price they are the babies mum or in most cases price they are fit to be a parent.
    I have been there every step of theway for my wife and kids but would lose them in court with in 2 minutes based on the fact I'm a guy.
    I'm not saying any ones opinion is less worthy but at the same time neither is every dad a dead beat because they struggle with their responsibilities.
    End of rant and sorry for any offence.

  • Any dumb ass can make a baby but it really does take a man to be a dad. I struggled when our son was born and even resented him at first because of the bond my wife had with him and me working to support a family of 4, does that make me a bad father. No it was me being scared and threatened by change.
    Yes some men will abandoned you and the child but at the end of the day he's not a man he's a scared little boy.
    I never knew my dad as he left when I was 3 but I will never forget the day he died. I have been a cop for 11 years now and that was the hardest death notice I have ever had to deliver to my family and to his new family. I still wish to this day that I had not attended that accident or that I had got someone else to notify family but at the end of the day it comes down to responsibility and has made me the dad I am today.

  • I have been thru this in the state of sc! My lawyer told me to breast feed the judge will not take a breastfed baby away from her mother... as far as joint custody goes he will not have to pay cs... u do not have to give... the baby his last name u can give the baby whatever last name u want... document everything u can and if he was abusive to u more than likely it will be towards the child also! My ex done all this to me tried to take me to court say I was unfit n make himself out to be the great dad... needless to say I had permant custody he had temp visitation everyother weekend with a cs obligation! We stayed in n out of court. N finally quit having anything to do with the children signed his rights over n my wonderful husband of 5 yrs has adopted them n given them his last name! They call him daddy n never speak of the jerk that only wanted them when it was convient for him! Not all dads are dead beats bit not all will stand up n do what's right either! Its a mamas natural instint to stand up for her child from the very beginning to protect her baby!

  • Tlg81Tlg81 May 2011

    @techgirlpa & others, thank you for your opinions & thoughts. I believe my post got somewhat sidetracked & some ranting went on about fathers rights. Again as stated from earlier, I have no intention of keeping my baby from her father & encourage a relationship. I'm not due til aug but he has managed to make my 1 and only pregnancy very hard with his lack of sensitivity, support and controlling ways. But again that's to me & as long as.he's not that.way with her i strongly encourage a relationship. He has not given me 1 dime & has already stated he doesn't want to give me support would rather the money go directly to her. I don't care about that, I'm 31 years old with a successful career, and believe her is only repeating advice given to him by scorned fathers. I'm sorry that you & your significant other have had a rough time, but that has nothing to do with my situation. I was merely asking for advice on what my rights are or if anyone else had been through something similar. I just want to be prepared because as of right now I'm dreading labor for the drama that he will bring. Once again I'm sorry you have had a tough road & will pray for you and your family for a sense of peace. To everyone else on here, thanks for your opinions as well & good luck in your pregnancies.

  • BethybabyBethybaby May 2011

    @techgirlpa I am sorry for the suffering that your family is obviously going thru. Small towns suck in that regard. Hopefully she will screw up and you catch herr that way. I have within my family (not me fortunately) seen both sides of the coin. I have a brother who had a girlfriend who is not necessarily abusive but is definitely unfit..... It is very sad.

  • XarmygirlXarmygirl May 2011

    @blessed1 r u a single mom with a horrible bd? if not shut it ur just rude and unnessessary... if u could state facts u know & keep ur opinons to urself thatd b great bc there are alot of us out here who arent so "blessed" and dont need ur added stress when looking for advice on something as important as the custody of our child...

    googling state laws is helpful but also kind of confusing... i need to talk to a lawyer as well

  • XarmygirlXarmygirl May 2011

    @blessed1 r u a single mom with a horrible bd? if not shut it ur just rude and unnessessary... if u could state facts u know & keep ur opinons to urself thatd b great bc there are alot of us out here who arent so "blessed" and dont need ur added stress when looking for advice on something as important as the custody of our child...

    @tlg81 googling state laws is helpful but also kind of confusing... i need to talk to a lawyer as well... good luck. stay strong

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