a blog i thought i would share *** UPDATE ***

I'm lying here with tears rolling down my cheeks. My amazing boyfriend and my beautiful daughter are sound asleep. I've escaped to the bedroom to be alone with my emotions. 9 months ago I gave birth to a healthy happy perfect little girl. I felt as if my every dream had come true. We named her Giana. We brought her home and I was in love, instantly. Several weeks went by and I noticed that I began feeling funny. I've suffered from mild to moderate panic disorder and just figured it was showing its ugly face once again. I called my obgyn and he suggested a ssri which I know makes me worse so instead he gave me a script for klonopin, a benzodiazepine. I was very hesitant to begin taking this because I had only been on this type of medicine once for less then 2 months and with my family history I'm terrified of addiction. Several more days passed and the panic attacks increased, I began feeling as if I was disconnected from everything and everyone around me. People who were friends seemed strange I even remember looking at my dogs and thinking how weird life was, nothing seemed real. Here I was, this out going social butterfly trapped in what seemed to be a dream land but scarily enough possibly my new reality. At that point I knew I had to start my medication. We started off extremely low, lower then prescribed, and it sort of took the edge off but not enough. I still felt like a prisoner, I couldn't even leave the house without having an attack and feeling like death was stalking me. Each day seemed to become more and more challenging. I finally increased my dosage to what was recommended and felt some relief but still I knew something wasn't right but I was just going to shut up and fight it the best I knew how. I have Medicaid so my choices of shrinks are almost non existant, so I went to see my primary care Dr. Kara Hamilton. She recommended I stay on the klonopin twice daily for possibly the rest of my life. Ok that was it I freaked out, the rest of my life? This stuff is habit forming...my family history...I want to be around for my daughter and Damien, not strung out on pills and I want more kids. I agreed to a 9 week therapy on these meds with myself. Well that didn't last long and about 2 weeks later I went to see the only shrink in town that takes Medicaid. First though I had to see one of their therapists who was a nice girl, but young and very reserved. I feel I was more entertainment to her and we became more like friends. I got to see the dr the following week and gave him a brief run down, I can't take ssri's I think I have some type of post partum anxiety disorder, 2-3 years ago I was given librium for 8 weeks as treatment and boom they went away. That's all he needed to hear and wrote my prescription...not what are your symptoms...tell me more no questions just drugs. That worked for a month or so when I then knew by my own research it was time to reduce my dosage to avoid any dependance. I went back again told him what I wanted and he said ok insisting it was unnecessary but if I insisted then fine even though I was on such a small dosage of medication. I was successful on cutting my dose in half, still functioning and feeling so so for a little over a month. It was time again for my dose reduction and this time he wanted me to try a new medicine, which I found terrifying because of past experience and it wasn't a medicine that made sense for my symptoms so we just stayed with the dose reduction. That next month my life got crazy, stressful just out of control and I started to feel awful again. I made another appointment with the Dr and this time he was running late so he pushed me off on one of his nurse practitioners. We decided it was almost time for another dose reduction so she wrote me a script and once again I was off...not what are your symptoms...nothing. The day of getting that filled I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. I immediately emailed my Dr asking what to do and he once again made light of the situation and said just stop taking it completely. I wound up having a miscarriage day 4 but decided I was already off of it what the hell..here comes day nine, I'm at work and I start feeling really bad...omg...I'm freaking out. I'm having a panic attack, full blown and I have two clients...I some how manage to finish their hair and off to the er I go...it lasted for almost 4 hours!!!!! I went to my Dr the next day and he recommends a ssri, which he knows I can't take but I try it anyway because he insists. It made me wacko I had an attack that lasted 2 days!! Well that was about a month ago and I had been put back on my low dose of meds which didn't help so I went back and we increased it to my max...3 days later I find out I'm pregnant again and I have to come off of my medicine so that the baby doesn't have birth defects, I'm scared, I feel awful and on top of it all my horomones are nuts and I'm a crying fool. No one wants to take on the liability of managing my meds while pregnant so here I am...forced to figure it out on my own...I really hope I can do this...lord please give me the strength to be in my right mind during this whole process and whatever I did to make you angry enough to punish me with this, I'm truly sorry.
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Comments

  • My heart goes out to you! I'm so sorry for all you're going through. Please don't blame God, it's more likely the devil! God loves you & I will pray he will help you through this. It's good to write out your feelings (& you're a very good writer btw lol) so that will help. Do you have a church or anything? A lot of them offer pastoral counseling which is free or real cheap. Try calling a few churches & see. & pray for God's guidance in finding the right one. I'll be paying for you too.
  • @wilsomom thank you, I know I will some how some way make it through all of this.
  • Yes you will! :) Just make it through one day at a time, that's all you have to do. Each day is a new beginning. Praying for you!
  • Hi mama I went gthrough really bad ppd as well. It was exactly how I felt justas youdescribed. I have never been suicidel but the thought crossed my mind while going through ppd. I couldn't imagine living my life the way I felt. My heart breaks for you. Please text me any time! You can also read my blog at myloveforjohnny.blogspot.com.

  • I feel for you, hon :( My family is full of people with mental illness from depression to severe bipolar disorder. It's hard coping sometimes, especially when you know what works for you and no one wants to listen, but push you off with medication. Will medicaid cover therapy sessions? While you're unable to take meds due to pregnancy, maybe you should be seeing someone you can talk through what you're feeling with. I really hope they have some way to help you with this besides pushing meds your way. I think a couple of the other girls had great ideas too. Even if you aren't especially religious, talking to a pastor may help you out. Also, do you find anything relaxing? Maybe when you're feeling overwhelmed, you should try doing something you enjoy. You could always just sit quietly and meditate, too...focus on your breathing, and calming yourself down that way. I hope some of this is helpful to you in some way. I know you're having a hard time, and I'll cross my fingers for you to start feeling more like yourself. *hugs*
  • @blessedtxmom I was actually baptised Catholic :-)
    @jess510 what in the world made you better?? I tried reading your blog and it won't let me.
    @rtmommy I'm going to try to find a way to possibly do yoga and my support system is solid thank heaven's!!

    The hardest part of this is that I don't see a Dr to put me on a plan of tapering off of my meds until Thursday so I've taken it in my own hands and I'm terrified. I wake up literally each morning shaking, pupils dialated and just scared.
  • :( I'm sorry you're feeling so icky, but you are a great mommy for going through the struggle so your baby can have the best chance possible. I'm also glad to hear you have an amazing support system. :)
  • I was on a very low does of an SSRI during my first and second trim. My third I stopped taking it and it was difficult, but working kept my mind busy. I didn't get bad until after I had Johnny.

    When I decide to have another baby I will continue to take my meds during my pregnancy. Please ladies don't judge me for this, but it's what would be best for me and baby. Some people have told me I shouldn't have any more children, but I believe thats my choice.

    I just changed my bog yesterday so anyone could view it..... I hope it works please try again.
  • @jess510 I feel that it is our choice to have more children and that it is the best to stay on meds, I just wish I was on something other then a benzo...ugh...this will make 2 babies for me and ill prob stop then just to let my body recover :-)
  • So you can't take an anti depresnt? What about. A mood stabalizer? I take a anti dep and mood stabalizer
  • So after my mom coming over and having a serious talk with me last night I decided to keep up my end of the bargain and do something differently today then I have been doing. I was also excited because I finally had my appointment with the shrink (the new one since the other lady left). I woke up feeling scared because I knew today would be different but I was also hopeful because I thought maybe today I would find answers. I got myself showered, did my make up and my hair got dressed and off me and G went to the Dr. Driving there felt weird, like I was in a weird fog but I made it. I walked in, spilled my guts to the lady who is a nurse practioner at the practice. She looked at me with a puzzled look on her face. I asked for advice and yet again I was told she wasn't comfortable because I was pregnant. Wow really?? I'm BEGGING for help here people, begging!! This is the office who prescribed these benzos to me so I need help to come off. A taper schedule maybe?? I asked about that and also about busbar which was recommended by my obgyn (I must ad that he is the world's best Dr, very understanding, caring and responsive). She said she would consult with the main Dr, which put a knot in my stomach and tears in my eyes bc I've seen him before and he always gives me something to make me worse and acts like its all in my head, so I hesitantly agreed and left the office with all of my questions unanswered. I immediately got in my car and called my obgyn from the parking lot leaving a message for someone to call me. My obgyn called before the shrinks office, go figure and he recommended that they work together and requested that the shrink call him. I relayed the message to the shrinks office and was told they would call me back. A couple of hours go by and I get a call from them, from the girl who's hair I do, so I had to be nice. She informed me that the shrink called in a prescription to my pharmacy. I asked the specifics and was put on hold when she returned she told me it was buspar 10 mg...no instructions...nothing, I asked about a final taper schedule and once again nothing except that I can address that with him next Thursday and that he didn't contact my obgyn. Great, back to square one and now I'm being put back with a Dr, shrink, who has done much more harm then good. I called my pharmacy and the phone was answered by the familiar voice of Terri, she's great, very knowledgeable and helpful. She told me that he called that in for me but also informed me that I could NOT begin taking the buspar until I'm off of the librium COMPLETELY and that the system even red flagged her. So at the end of the day, I'm back at square one, left once again to be my own Dr and figure out a way to safely come off this medicine quickly...so far I'm down from 50mg to 5 in a week, not advisable but I'm using my mom judgement and looking out for my unborn baby. I see my ob on Tuesday...until then I just need to breathe. In between the madness I went to the pool with Stephanie, I felt weird and in a fog, thinking of every excuse to cancel but I made myself go and I enjoyed myself. Baby steps...I will no longer be a prisioner in my own head. I also came home and got the house in order. One day at a time...
  • Coming down from benzos can put you in a fog and make you feel irtable. Come down slowly. I took buspar its a mood stabalizer. That one did seem to help, but they switched me to abilify which I really like. I know its hard, but you will find the right meds. 510 565 2317 text me anytime I'm on the west coast.
  • Update? How are you?
  • I suffer from a mood disorder but haven't been properly diagnosed. Each day is a trial.
  • @jess510 things are so so. I forced myself to work for 3 hours yesterday and the same today but immediately had to go home in fear of starting to feel bad bc all it will take is one huge episode and ill be screwed!! I see my ob on Tuesday thank god and I'm taking the lowest possible dose of my medicine. I'm having heart papilitations headaches no appetite and confusion plus a yon of crying and mild anxiety but no panic as of yet. I can't start the buspar until I'm off of this stuff so basically im a mess lol.
    @angel26 do you already have children???
    @blessedtxmom ugh isn't it crazy, I actually called a hotline and they have no resources here in Charlotte and even they were surprised at the lack of help. When I get better, notice I said when bc I will find a way out of this, I'm going to try to start a foundation for moms like me.
  • Check out jennyslight they have some resources. Remind me what are you trying to get off of. I thought it was klonopin. I was on xanax and buspar at the same time, but maybe it's different while pregnant.
  • Librium. I started on klonopin but after a month was switched to librium. Did the buspar take the full eight weeks to work for you? @jess510
    @blessedtxmom thank you!!
  • No I noticed changes after a week I think
  • I've never heard of librium... Is it lithium?
  • @kenzie0713 yes I have 3 (5,3&6m). I suffered with depression in high school and have had mild ever since. But the last 5 years have gotten little worse as time goes by. Plus now I have mild anxiety. I can't watch my boys play on playground very long cuz I get really nervous and paraniod. And I start picturing things happening to them. But I'm not sure if what is wrong with me is just depression. Sometimes I am fine. I love my family and can be almost happy. But then in a flash I will get really depressed/angry and don't want to be anywhere around them and hate the sound of their voices. All I want is to be left alone. But that's not very possible for me to get away beings I'm in a shelter. Also everytime I get a job or try going to school I end up quiting because I can't handle it. At first I love it. So glad to be doing something. But then I get anxious and depressed about being gone from home and my children. That is a bad thing cuz we need me to work. If I would have stayed in school I would probably be a nurse or almost one.
  • @jess510 so I finally had enough and went to the mental health er today. They recommended I startthe buspar so I did and within 45 mins I had crazy panic attacks and my legs were twitching uncontrollably...so no more of that. I know this sounds bad but I think I'm just going to stay on a low dose benzo throughput my pregnancy, it seems to be the only answer.
    @angel26 have you ever gone to see a dr ab what's going on??
  • Darn.... It seems so hard to find a right med.... What about lithium? I have a friend who hada bad reaction to Zoloft but did well on lithium. The good thing about it is it's a salt and natural. I understand you wanting to stay on the benzo.
  • @kenzie0713 when I was in high school I was in therapy and on different meds. But none of them really made me feel better. I finally got tired of it all and told them I was fine and didn't need meds anymore. I started seeing a therapist again during my last pregnancy but couldn't continue because life took a turn for worst on the day we found out what we were having. But after I had her I told my primary dr (around 3/4 mon pp) that I had depression and he gave me the packet with questions. After that he put me on depicoat(sp) but it didn't help either. But I need to go back to my therapist so I can get something happening.
  • @jess510 they were thinking trying seroquel bit that is a class c and honestly I'm sick of trying a bunch of new stuff to only be left in worse condition so I'm just going to stay on a low dose benzo daily and say my prayers. I know that's horrible but its the only answer for me, my hubby, our 9 month old and the little one in my tummy. The benefit outweighs the risk for us.
    @angel26 its so frustrating when you try different meds over and over and nothing helps. It makes you lose hope in health care
  • Hey girl just checking in on you.
  • I'm so sorry u are going through all this I pray u feel better!
  • @jess510 I'm feeling better now that I'm back on my medicine, thank goodness!! How are you??
    @blessedtimes2 thank you!!!
  • I'm so happy for you
  • Can relate well to this at the moment.
  • @mom2ing I keep praying for that day to come! Now with being back on my medicine I'm like a new woman, now only if they were safe during this pregnancy and safe to be on long term. The weird thing is they won't hospitalize me, I tried to commit myself and they just blame it on benzo withdrawal. No doctors seem to believe in post partum anxiety disorder, its nuts!! Just bc I don't want to kill myself or my baby doesn't mean something isnt wrong.
    @dadof2n1togo I hope everything is ok
    @jess510 thank you!! And thank you for listening and for all of your support!!
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