My Miscarriage Birth Story (LONG!!!!!!) Part 1

edited July 2012 in Birth Stories
It was Wednesday morning and I was so excited, it was the day we would get to hear my little one’s heart beat for the first time! My ob appointment was in the early afternoon, so I got ready and left a little early with my hubby and 5 year old, James. It was his day to go to the YMCA with us for swimming. He was excited he’d get to hear the baby’s heartbeat this time. It was my 14 week check up.
We arrived at the doctor and my hubby had forgot his swimming trunks, so James & I went in while he went back home to fetch the missing necessities. I got called back and started the usual routine, weight, use the bathroom, blood pressure. Next came the Doppler! Well, it sounded as though the baby was kicking around and the nurse was having trouble locating the heartbeat. But then, we heard about 2 beats! It was so fast, but we were sure that was it. She said we’d hear it better next time.
On to the Y we went. James had a blast as usual and we got home later that afternoon. After arriving home I was ready for a quick bathroom break, and that’s when my heart melted. “No, no, no, this isn’t what I think it is…” I said. There was the pink stain of death that I had become familiar with on 2 other occasions. Quickly my mind made the perfect excuse! I had been intimate with my husband the night before…that was it! I had heard that can happen sometimes. So relief came to me….or did it. I could not help myself, but had to go look again an hour later. It was worse. Once again, my heart sank.
The doctor’s office was closed and I knew in my heart there was nothing that could be done at 14 weeks so I waited until the morning. At 9am I called and the nurse assured me it was probably normal and to go lay down then call her at 1:30 and let her know if it was any better or worse. Well, by 10am it was turning red and mucousy, so I couldn’t wait and called her back. She said to come in right away. As soon as I got there, they put me straight in a room. She got the Doppler and started searching. She searched some more, and searched some more. Nothing. Complete silence. My eyes filled with tears as she went to get the doctor.
My doctor did an exam and said there was no amniotic fluid leaking and my cervix was still closed, so she was crossing her fingers and sending me for an ultrasound. As she pulled out the speculum, it was covered in blood and I knew my worst fears were becoming revealed. The appointment for the ultrasound was in 2 hours, so I called my husband, but he was in the middle of his doctor’s appointment and might not make it there with me. I sat in Wal-Mart’s parking lot for an hour and a half crying to myself and hoping no one saw me. It was a long hour and a half.
I finally got enough gumption to start the car and begin my journey to get the ultrasound. The waiting room was filled and there were 3 obviously pregnant women there waiting with their loved ones. I was all alone. I tried so hard to hold back the tears, but it was no use, I only hoped the others never had to feel this pain. No one spoke a word to me. I wiped my tears away as quickly as I could.
They called my name and it was time. The tech started my exam and there on the screen in front of me was my precious baby, lying motionless. I had had enough ultrasounds in the past to know what the heart beat would look like and there was none. The tech didn’t say a word, she kept taking pictures and I honestly think she was afraid to say anything. Finally I broke the awkward silence and asked for some Kleenex. She asked me if they had done an ultrasound at my ob appointment this morning and I told her that they just couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler. She said she was sorry and she didn’t see one either. She was kind but quiet. She didn’t really know what to say.
When the exam was complete, she took me to another room to wait for the doctor. The doctor was very nice and said there were no problems detected with the baby, placenta, fluid or anything. She had called my ob and said that she wanted me to come back to her office to talk about what to do next. Before leaving I asked for a picture from the ultrasound, I had forgot to ask the tech.
I left the office and got in my car to drive back. For some reason, I was not crying now. I was in another world it seemed like. The roads and streets I drive on almost every day seemed like I had never seen them before. I called my hubby and told him my suspicions were confirmed. He was a little shocked, I think he really didn’t believe the baby was dead that morning like I did. The grief left me for a little while, and was traded for anger. I don’t know who I was angry at, but I just didn’t feel like hurting anymore.
I was strong when I went into the doctor’s office. No more crying, no more sadness, just anger. She wasn’t very sympathetic, she was just doing her job. She said more than likely there was a chromosome problem and the baby died because of that. She said because of my age that’s common and nothing I could’ve done to stop it. She said my eggs were old. I wanted to strangle her. My baby wasn’t an egg. My baby was a human being. My baby was living just yesterday! Everything was perfect, what was she talking about?! I just smiled and went on.
I was sent home to miscarry. Since it had already started, she said it would probably complete on its own. That was good news, because I felt I needed to go through this. So I went home to have my baby.
I had never been through a late miscarriage before, so I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. I googled it, I called my mom, I talked to my Pregly forum. I thought it would be like a heavy period. I was wrong. Nothing happened yet so I went to bed for the night. I had a horrible dream… I was in a public restroom and my baby came out! He was in the toilet so I reached to pick him up and all of a sudden the toilet flushed! It was an automatic flusher! He was gone. The next morning, I was glad it was just a dream.

Comments

  • Awww....There are so many emotions while reading this. I think u should write a book about this. I know that's probably the last thing on your mind but I also think that other women going through or have gone through this can find comfort reading your story. As I was reading this I could just about picture every scene and it feels so real. Can't wait to read the rest!

    I don't know how u feel but you and your family are still in my prayers... R.I.Paradise Little Man!
  • @tootie08 Thank you, my husband has always told me I should write a book...lol.
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