My Miscarriage Birth Story (LONG!!!) Part 2
BE SURE TO READ PART 1 FIRST
That day I had an appointment with my endocrinologist for a thyroid problem I had been dealing with. There was still nothing but light bleeding, so I decided to go ahead with the appointment. She was sad about my loss, but happy to be able to treat my thyroid disorder now. It couldn’t be treated during pregnancy. I was just going along with the flow, I was still in shock. So the day started winding down and still nothing. I went to bed really early to rest and called my mom. While on the phone with her I noticed some contractions. It was 7pm.
My hubby came to bed about 9pm and we talked and rested together. I was still having contractions. They weren’t painful, but regular and crampy. At midnight I was having a good contraction and all of a sudden I felt a huge gush. I thought my water had broken. I ran to the bathroom holding myself, leaving a trail of blood behind me. I pulled down my pants and there was my baby! He fell in the toilet, just like the dream. I started crying and screaming, “Oh my God, there’s the baby! There’s the baby!” I couldn’t believe it! The doctor told me I wouldn’t see a baby, just tissue and blood. But there he was! He was perfectly formed. I scooped him up and sat him on a tissue while I cleaned up myself enough to get by. I held him and examined every detail, just like a mom does her full term newborn baby. He was perfectly formed and he was a boy! His little tiny arms and fingers were lying across his chest. His legs were in fetal position. His little ears, eyes and nose were visible, but still forming. His mouth opened as I turned him over and I gasped. His umbilical cord was so tiny. He was at peace. And he was perfect. I felt so blessed and I truly believe God let me see into that secret place where he forms our inner most being. I felt like I was given the opportunity to see God at work. And I’m so thankful for that.
My husband wasn’t coping too well and I sensed that he didn’t understand why holding him and examining him was so important to me. I wrapped him in tissue and put him in the frig. I honestly didn’t know what to do with him. I couldn’t just throw him away, my precious little son. My husband, knowing me better than I do myself sometimes, prepared my bed with an extra blanket and towels for me to lie on. I thought it was over. He knew better. I went to bed and we talked for a few minutes. I needed to go check on my bleeding, so I got up and felt something huge come out of me. I got to the bathroom and it was the placenta. I forgot about that…yes, mom of 9 living children forgot about that.
Finally, I thought I could rest, surely it was over now. My husband, once again knew better. I felt like I was bleeding a lot, so I got up and again, felt something huge. Again, more of the placenta I guessed. Hmmmm….that was strange, maybe it was just a clot, I honestly couldn’t tell. So I lied down and tried to rest again. Once again the same thing, only this time the clot was bigger. My hubby asked if I wanted to go the hospital and I said, no I’m sure I’ll be just fine. Well by 3am this had happened 4 times, each the size of a baseball or so. I was so tired and wanted to sleep so badly but I was afraid to. I lied down again and hubby had finally dozed off. I laid there for about an hour and couldn’t sleep. So I got up and again, felt something huge.
My instincts (more lie the Holy Spirit!) told me to take the cell phone to the bathroom with me this time and I’m so glad I did. The clot was the size of a softball this time and I knew something was wrong. There was so much blood this time the toilet was full of it. I was getting ready to get up and the dizziness overcame me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t yell, I could barely think. I was scared. I called my husband and asked him to come to the bathroom. He took me straight to the emergency room. I was so dizzy, nauseated and cold. I was shivering and felt like I wanted to lie down and just sleep so badly.
At the hospital they pulled out the placenta. Apparently, I had not passed it yet, but my body was trying to, that’s what was causing all the clots. I got 2 bags of IV fluids, I got my bed turned topsy turvey so my head was lower than my body. It felt weird. Every time the blood pressure machine would check me, the alarm went off because my pressure was so low. It finally came up enough for an ultra sound to see if there was anything else left in my womb. It turned out that there wasn’t, thank God, so I got to go home and finally get some sleep. It was 9am. I slept for 3 hours.
It’s been 2 days since all this happened. I’ve been full of sadness, anger, numbness, grief and guilt. It’s been a rough 2 days. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel like I’m ok now, sometimes I’m glad I’m not pregnant anymore, sometimes I feel guilty for thinking that, sometimes I want to be alone and sometimes I need a hug. But mostly, I feel a pain and hole in my heart. I know it will get better, and that someday I’ll get to see my son again. I know that God was and is by my side through this entire thing. I know that I will get through this and God will raise me up again.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
[Chorus x2]
That day I had an appointment with my endocrinologist for a thyroid problem I had been dealing with. There was still nothing but light bleeding, so I decided to go ahead with the appointment. She was sad about my loss, but happy to be able to treat my thyroid disorder now. It couldn’t be treated during pregnancy. I was just going along with the flow, I was still in shock. So the day started winding down and still nothing. I went to bed really early to rest and called my mom. While on the phone with her I noticed some contractions. It was 7pm.
My hubby came to bed about 9pm and we talked and rested together. I was still having contractions. They weren’t painful, but regular and crampy. At midnight I was having a good contraction and all of a sudden I felt a huge gush. I thought my water had broken. I ran to the bathroom holding myself, leaving a trail of blood behind me. I pulled down my pants and there was my baby! He fell in the toilet, just like the dream. I started crying and screaming, “Oh my God, there’s the baby! There’s the baby!” I couldn’t believe it! The doctor told me I wouldn’t see a baby, just tissue and blood. But there he was! He was perfectly formed. I scooped him up and sat him on a tissue while I cleaned up myself enough to get by. I held him and examined every detail, just like a mom does her full term newborn baby. He was perfectly formed and he was a boy! His little tiny arms and fingers were lying across his chest. His legs were in fetal position. His little ears, eyes and nose were visible, but still forming. His mouth opened as I turned him over and I gasped. His umbilical cord was so tiny. He was at peace. And he was perfect. I felt so blessed and I truly believe God let me see into that secret place where he forms our inner most being. I felt like I was given the opportunity to see God at work. And I’m so thankful for that.
My husband wasn’t coping too well and I sensed that he didn’t understand why holding him and examining him was so important to me. I wrapped him in tissue and put him in the frig. I honestly didn’t know what to do with him. I couldn’t just throw him away, my precious little son. My husband, knowing me better than I do myself sometimes, prepared my bed with an extra blanket and towels for me to lie on. I thought it was over. He knew better. I went to bed and we talked for a few minutes. I needed to go check on my bleeding, so I got up and felt something huge come out of me. I got to the bathroom and it was the placenta. I forgot about that…yes, mom of 9 living children forgot about that.
Finally, I thought I could rest, surely it was over now. My husband, once again knew better. I felt like I was bleeding a lot, so I got up and again, felt something huge. Again, more of the placenta I guessed. Hmmmm….that was strange, maybe it was just a clot, I honestly couldn’t tell. So I lied down and tried to rest again. Once again the same thing, only this time the clot was bigger. My hubby asked if I wanted to go the hospital and I said, no I’m sure I’ll be just fine. Well by 3am this had happened 4 times, each the size of a baseball or so. I was so tired and wanted to sleep so badly but I was afraid to. I lied down again and hubby had finally dozed off. I laid there for about an hour and couldn’t sleep. So I got up and again, felt something huge.
My instincts (more lie the Holy Spirit!) told me to take the cell phone to the bathroom with me this time and I’m so glad I did. The clot was the size of a softball this time and I knew something was wrong. There was so much blood this time the toilet was full of it. I was getting ready to get up and the dizziness overcame me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t yell, I could barely think. I was scared. I called my husband and asked him to come to the bathroom. He took me straight to the emergency room. I was so dizzy, nauseated and cold. I was shivering and felt like I wanted to lie down and just sleep so badly.
At the hospital they pulled out the placenta. Apparently, I had not passed it yet, but my body was trying to, that’s what was causing all the clots. I got 2 bags of IV fluids, I got my bed turned topsy turvey so my head was lower than my body. It felt weird. Every time the blood pressure machine would check me, the alarm went off because my pressure was so low. It finally came up enough for an ultra sound to see if there was anything else left in my womb. It turned out that there wasn’t, thank God, so I got to go home and finally get some sleep. It was 9am. I slept for 3 hours.
It’s been 2 days since all this happened. I’ve been full of sadness, anger, numbness, grief and guilt. It’s been a rough 2 days. Sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel like I’m ok now, sometimes I’m glad I’m not pregnant anymore, sometimes I feel guilty for thinking that, sometimes I want to be alone and sometimes I need a hug. But mostly, I feel a pain and hole in my heart. I know it will get better, and that someday I’ll get to see my son again. I know that God was and is by my side through this entire thing. I know that I will get through this and God will raise me up again.
"Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns
I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining
As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus:]
And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away
[Chorus]
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth
[Chorus x2]
Comments
I also must say that you're a gifted writer! Reading this was like reading a book I had been into for days. I think it's awesome that even though you're in pain, you still see the different ways God blessed you in this situation. I've heard that many don't see their babies and if so, it's a baby in a clot but you were able to meet your little man and what a beautiful little man he is! :-) thank you for sharing and letting us be reminded that even though real bad things can happen, we can still be blessed!!! You're an awesome lady and I adore that song! God bless you and your family for the rest of your days! >:D<
I'm glad you are feeling a wee bit better. I know when I had my ruptured ectopic that I was a mess. You are such a strong woman and please realize that going through the stages of grief is normal and it is ok for you to be angry, sad and in disbelief. I'm happy you are staying social on here. I'm sure it helps, if even a little.
Hugs!!! >:D<
You should think about writing a book. Your story could help others that are going through what have.
I actually felt bad because I was so into your story like I was living it with you. I loved what you had to say and how you delivered it but was saddened by the story as well. With this recent story, your kids and your husband... I'm sure it would be on the best sellers list.
And same to you @jenny1973 I can talk any time & let me know if you're interested in the facebook group.