I need honest opinions ladies...(this is very long)

ebbry89

Those of you know I struggled with telling my mom about my pregnancy and my cousin told my mom yesterday and although she was okay with me being pregnant and just like I thought she was very upset with the fact that I was pregnant by sons father yet again and here's why:

After my traumatic labor and delivery last year when i finally come home the hospital a couple weeks later I decided to move into an apartment with my sons father. From the beginning I thought it was just gonna be us three until maybe about a week or so later one of his friends needed a place to stay and his situation was bad and I have a big heart so I let him come stay...needless to say....it got worst from then on...when I say from sun up to sun down my house was full of people...it got to a point where my it was things going on in this house where it was not good at all...not a good environment...it was more than enough times where I was hungry broke and among things because of all these people in my household...it stressed me out and the abuse started...arguments would turn physical...yes I was abused and in the worst way possible but im not saying i never fought back because i did and yeah i stayed like a dumb ass until January when one day it got bad because we were getting evicted because he refused to get a job and better yet keep one chasing some dumb dream and one Sunday he was upset one of my friends well she isn't my friend anymore but she was staying there and they didn't even like each other from jump but she had nowhere to go but she had been there for weeks and we were just hanging out in her room and for some reason he just kept coming up there bothering us being childish because for some odd reason he always felt like she was trying to get me to leave him or whatever well since we were getting evicted we were gonna move to nc to his grandmas house but that day something in my heart told me don't do it so I let him know and that's where it went wrong he became very irate and I tried my best to calm him down just tell him to go downstairs and we can talk later but that's when I got hit with a laundry bag and my glasses went flying and I touch my face and I was bleeding and I freaked out he wouldn't let me out my room he took my phone so I couldn't call for help I begged for him to jus let me go to the bathroom so he did and that's when I called to my friend to call my mom and it just got worst from there the cops we're called and he went to jail and so on....I didn't speak to him for some time until I felt like I had to because we have a child together and he seemed remorseful and I think that's when I got pregnant again but we got into some argument and I stopped speaking to him

Well here we are today and when I found out I was pregnant we got back together and after telling my mom she brought up the situations that happen and I started thinking what if it all repeats itself again if I were to move in with wihich I was in the process of doing...I don't wanna put my son and this baby through that nor will I let that escalate that far but at the same time who is it to say he has truly changed I don't trust that and I'm scared because I don't want to move in and we get to fighting and something bad could happen...I don't know what to because I actually love this man and I can't not be with him because he is the father of my children and I just can't see myself with anyone else I tried being single this summer and I had the time of my life but I was rather lonely ...I'm stuck y'all please help me and be completely honest with me

MrsStanley_x2

If he has not sought out SERIOUS anger management treatment, therapy, whatever... I would stay as far away as possible. If he beat you like that multiple times to the point you were afraid, I doubt he has changed. Experience speaking. I didn't have kids by the man who hurt me, so I can't say I understand, but I do know abuse is a repetitive thing. You need to look out for your babies and yourself! God forbid he snaps and hurts all of you one day!

ebbry89

That's true and I think about it...and he is happy about us being together and about the baby and he loves his son and if I back out now I don't know what he will do so I don't know what to do now

MrsStanley_x2

I understand honey, but just you saying that should be a sign- that if you back out now you aren't sure what he will do? That's fear, plain as day, and no way to have to live!

ebbry89

I feel so dumb.....and I'm not in fear for myself I'm in fear for him because he has nobody all really has is me and his kids his mom don't care about him and his family doesn't either so that's why he fights so hard...I feel dumb but I don't know if this is me speaking or what my mom said to me is getting to me

MrsStanley_x2

Don't feel dumb! It makes sense that he would feel anger from feeling like he has no one, but he should never take it out on you

MommyLovesSparkle

I'm just going to be honest honey, you need to get the he'll away! God forbid he snaps at you while you're holding the baby or at the kids. He sees you as a punching bag and that isn't love. A friend told me in 8th grade (and I still live by this), "No man is worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry" I understand you love him but there is someone who will treat you right out there. Xoxo.

MommyLovesSparkle

Hell *

MrsStanley_x2

^^^^ yes!

ebbry89

Thank you !!! I dont know what to say to him at this point I've kind of avoided him today and gave a good excuse but if I tell him I can't go thru with it he will immediately get angry and blame it on my mom and say that I listen to everything she says but it's really not true at all because she only stated the facts and the only opinion she had was that she don't like him and she never want to see him again .... I have a semi low self esteem .. Always have so I always run back to him when I feel like nobody wants me ... And now that I will have two kids I don't feel like I can be with another man bc I have kids by another man

[Deleted User]

I am sorry to say this but you remind me of my sister. Keep in mind your family will only pick up the pieces so many times b4 they say to hell with ya. My sister goes from useless man to useless man then back again. We are to the point that she cries about not being able to pay rent and we say to bad tell ur boyfriend to get a job. His excuse is he is "i am black no one will hire me". Oh, the I love him bit while he has f***** six kids and does not pay child support forne of them makes me sick. I am sorry but she makes me sick I would love to take her somewhere and beat the f**** out of her myself for being stupid.
I seen a post from u the other day about ur mom not wanting anything to do with him, well like u said that just the way it will be. I knew when you said it that way there was more to the story and ur mom was most likely in the right. Be careful she will only watch you get hurt for so long then they/family stop caring. Like I said if I had a chance I would try to kick brains into my sisters head (no other approach has worked yet).
And if someone ever treated me like that hit me in the face then held me against mt will i would shoot him( my husband knows this). Screw love because if he can do it to me he can do it to my son.
Sorry this is so long but that reminded me so much of my sisters story I touched a nerve.

ebbry89

Thank you for being completely honest with me @char and ive been going over it in my mind all day and my mom is more than willingly to help me and I have a home to stay in with my kids now and the more you all are being honest with me and my best friend is doing the same I feel that I am not leaving this house and this is a safe environment for me and my kids and now I don't know what to say to him and I can't avoid him any longer because then he will be mad so what do I say to him? How do I go about telling him look I can't let that situation happen again? He will seriously be real mad but at this point my kids and my life are the only thing I care about right now I can't let it happen again

jules

I came from this kind of a home and it has effected me a lot in my life. Please do not Do this to yourself or your children. They deserve for their mother being happy therefore they will be happy and healthy. Please get out before u get seriously hurt. My biological mother is dead now due to the fact that she just wouldn't leave. I, live in a different County and will never see those people again. The things that I know my mom had to go through and the things I've been through most people would never even imagine. There is a reason the cops were called and he was put in jail this stuff is not a Joke. I know it is hard but you are going to have to set your emotional feelings aside and just think rationally. And your mom just Wants what is best for you. You know the reason u couldn't tell her about the new baby on the way because you know deep inside this is but the situation you and your kids need to be in. It will take a lot more then one summer but you will move on and have beautiful life with your amazing kids and the family by your side.

[Deleted User]

I have a cousin kinda in a situation just like you. No one in the family likes her man bc he beats the shit out of her and she continues to stay with him. They have two kids together and she feels like she just has to be with him bc that's their father. Its so bad that he doesn't even let her talk on the phone. Its gotten to the point where no one really has sympathy for her anymore.

I understand that that's your kids father but any man that will hit a woman is COWARD! You and your kids deserve better. If you decide to stay with him you're gonna get fed up if he does start beating you again. You may end up snapping! When u talk to him just tell him that you can't be with him because he has anger issues and you can't risk being hurt anymore!

[Deleted User]

@ebbey88 GOOD!!!! NOT alone, with a man. Due you have a brother or male friend if not in public or over the phone.

ebbry89

Neither I always wanted a brother but my cousin the one who told my mom has always been like a brother to me and I can always confide in him @char

An you are totally right after that incident happened back in January I've been at my moms since and I don't I just been wanted to get out of her house so bad I looked to him to help me get a apartment so I guess that's what started this mess but im not leaving my home for him me and my kids will be fine here until I am able to get out on my own @tootie89

MommyLovesSparkle

Don't worry about your self esteem or being lonely right now, just think about your kids the self esteem and loneliness issues will pass when you get over him and find a man that will treat you right.

Starlilly

I would say run and don't look back but if you really want it to work this is what I would do!. start slow. He needs to go to therpy for himself then you guys as a couple. make him work for your trust back. You would never fear a man. Don't move in with him until you feel like he won't hit you again. But in reality it could happen again. I have been in an abusive realationship before, not fun. I have a 12 year old with him. So I understand how you feel about him being the father of your kids. But you have to do what's best for you and your kids. And I moved on and am married to a wonderful man who accepts my daughter as his own. But I will say that if you aren't going to work it out with him you need to cut all grilfriend friend with benefits ties off. Not only I'd that not fair to him it's not fair to your kids. You don't want him to think there is hope for a realationship when in reality there isn't. just my 2 cents.

I'm on my phone so sorry for any typos!

Crisjoe

You are a mom now, what advice would you give your child in the same situation? Sounds like you are better off being alone than in that type of relationship.

Janet_2011

You asked for honest opinions so here comes mines, stay away from him unless he seeks some therapy or any other kind of help, it sucks that he has no one else but you and the kids, but what if he snaps and hurts you during the pregnancy or snaps at the kids and makes them bleed.,you have to be strong for your kids. In my opinion any woman that stands by a man that beats her is a coward.

ebbry89

Thanks you guys and we have been back together for the about a couple weeks now but I know what I have to do and I have to let him know now isn't the time and it's crazy because e was ordered to attend therapy but idk what happen with that but I have a baby to prepare for which will be here in November so I will focus on that and my crazy son and get back on feet in the process

MrsStanley_x2

Yay!! Good for you, honey!! I'm proud You can do it! Just be strong!

cheekyerin

What about u n the kids get ur own place n he cones over like ur still 2gether its ur n ur kids place but he's welcome there on the grounds he changes his additude ect seeks prof help n take it from there n if he proves himself he can move in otherwise it sounds like it would go down the same path again hope it doesn't but a leapord can't change the shape of his spots can only change the size of them

Hot2Cold87

I wouldn't go back they always always always claim change!! IMO he probably was happy you was pregnant again so you can feel trapped or obligated to be with him. DONT!!!! Any man that hit a woman is not a man!! I watched my cousin go through that back n forward b/c he "changed"! F*** that I would not want my kids in that situation if you can't protect yourself from him how you going to protect your kids if needed?? He couldn't even babysit for me even if he is the father let along live in the same house! You n your babies will be better WITHOUT him! And I hope I don't come across rude but seriously a man can restrain a woman w/o leaving a scratch really so a man never has an excuse to beat on a woman that's s*** is pathetic! Lol unless your girl is Xena and your like Webster lol lol jk

doodles

Lots of great advice given. @ebbry89. You know what you should do and I will pray for you to have strength to do so.. and kuddos to you for actually listening to the advice from these ladies and not becoming offended (like others do) :-) im proud of you already. You can do it!

ebbry89

Of course how could I be offended when I asked for honesty and I feel like that's always the best policy I never want anyone to sugar coat anything because reality isnt candy land so I love all the advice and I wish I never would have started this mess with him in the first place I just should have told him I was pregnant and go about my way but oh we'll in human and I give into the fairytale every now and then you guys are awesome and I love all the support @doodles

I wish I could get a place of my own but unfortunately I tried to be a good friend and put a apartment in my name for this girl so that her and her daughter would have a place to stay because her home front was good and in return she ain't pay rent and eventually got evicted so I have a eviction on my credit and two years later I just found out the amount she owes is 3999 and I refuse to pay that so idk how I will get us a place but I know where there is a will there is always a way @cheekyerin

ebbry89

*wasnt

JoJosmomma

Sorry if this sounds harsh but why us this even a question? He's violent...you want your kids around that?

ebbry89

@ynvtish that's what he did ^^^^^

[Deleted User]

Take your friend to court. With a small claims judgment you can have her wages tapped.

RedShadoe0

I agree with @char or at least get it off YOUR record somehow... If that's possible. And I also agree with what someone said about kudos for taking the advice!! You sound like a very smart, strong woman. Don't let a man wrap you up in knots.