I wanna run away. Long. :'(

rjr33

I feel like a bad mom. I am so overwhelmed and part of me just wants to run away. I love my daughter of course! But it is so hard by myself. Bd decided he wanted to move out and do whatever he feels like doing. I am so heartbroken and still trying to figure out how to be a mommy. I am so hurt. We wanted this. We tried so hard to have kids and he just decides he wants a break and to get away. I am literally sick. I haven't been eating very well and I am just so tired. My dr put me on wellbutrin a few weeks ago but since my bf left I am on a whole new level of sadness. I don't know if it is totally working for me. I hate bd. I feel so abandoned. He says he just doesn't want a relationship he hasn't wanted one for awhile. I am so sick. He is still trying to be a part of his daughters life. He comes over to spend a few hours with her sometimes. I don't even look at him. I hand her off and go to my room. I am breastfeeding still and I don't even know where he is staying and she is still so little only a month so he doesn't take her. He just comes and sees her. He has no clue how difficult it is. I hate him with everything in me. I dont even want him in my house. I dont even want to speak to him but I do it for my daughter. I am so hurt. Sometimes I look at my life and regret meeting him. I am so beyond overwhelmed. It makes me feel bad. I love my baby but I wish I had my partner to help me. My mom is helping the most she can but she can't always be there. Not to mention baby girl is so colicky. She just cries and cries when she is awake. I want to stop breastfeeding but have no clue how to transition her. The only thing that calms her down sometimes is my boob. I feel so stuck. I don't know how I am going to get through this.

RTMommy

I'm so sorry, hon. Do you have any siblings or a friend who could come stay with you and help for a bit? Being isolated will make your depression feel so much worse. I had awful PPD with my son and shyed away from people, and it was way worse for me in the long run. Things are going to get better. Even if it sucks right now, know it won't be that way forever. And if your med isn't working, make an appt with your doctor and talk about options. Big hugs, hon. Wish you lived closer to me.

jules

I think you need to take part of the feeling you have about hating him and therefore prove to yourself u do not need him or his help. You are a strong women and great mom. I'm sorry u feel overwhelmed with your lo right now but trust me happy mommy is happy baby. It's true ask anyone. So if it was me I would try keep busy and healthy and enjoy ur lo and I well notice how much better she will be for you. Which in the end will help you relax little. Don't be to hard on yourself all these feelings and desires u have are perfectly normal but at some point you have to realize that for many of us having that picture perfect family life is not a reality and therefore we have to enjoy what we do have and what we gave been blessed with. And although u may feel lonely sometimes your not. Even though we are not there with you doesn't mean we do but care. Everyone is here to listen and give u any help and advice if u ever need it or want it. Just take one day at a time, by not letting so many thoughts control your day.

captivated

I'm so sorry hon. Antidepressants need about 4-6 weeks to reach their maximum effect. Don't lose hope with them yet.

emy

I'm sorry hun, I was alone with my first and felt a lot like how u feel. It will got better as ur lo gets older. Get out and go somewhere or hang out with a friend, that seems to lift my mood. As far as ur bd if he would do that to u then u r better off without him, there is good men out there.

rjr33

@RTMommy I wished you lived closer too! My mom helps alot and I really don't ask anyone else for help because I feel like a burden. I only ask my mom because she sees me struggling. I feel like bd needs to take more responsibility and have more to deal with. He comes over whenever it is good with his schedule for a few hours. I really wanna set up a plan that is more stable. But she is so little I dont think she can sleep away from me yet. I want bd to know what it is like to take care of her not just for 2 hours while she is sleeping but idk what to do. So far I told bd that he can come here to see her but part of me thinks I should let him take her for the day or something. Idk if I am comfortable with it but I need a break too. She is only a month old. I dont know how we need to share her basically.

@Jules Thank you for your kind words. I keep telling myself it will get better it will get better but it's so hard staying positive. I wish I didn't have to talk to bd. I wish I could just cut him out of my life so I can heal. I just know in his head he is just getting a break away but for me this is the end of us. The only reason I talk to him is so my daughter will know who her father is.

@captivated that's what my dr said. It has been about 3 and a half weeks so I am still giving them a shot. I know they have changed my attitude a little because I am not crying 24/7! But idk if they are what I need. I have never been on an antidepressant so idk how they feel.

@emy I am hoping baby gets out of her colicky stage soon. I know it could take a long time but I know that will help. I know it will help when she smiles and is able to laugh too. She has giggled and smiled in her sleep a few times and for that little minute I am smiling and happy and forget about everything. Its a good feeling. I feel like bd is going to try and come back after he gets whatever it is he needed to get out but I don't want him back I want to have the confidence to say you lost your chance. He has done this a few times to me just up and leaves for a month or so then comes back cuz I always just sit and wait for him. This time it was different he didn't leave just me he left his daughter too. Even though he says he isn't leaving her that he is still there for her but it's not the same him coming over for a few hours a week. He is being a part time dad.

jules

Yea that's the hardest part for all of us that have bd and the drama involved we have to really to them if anything like this situation ever happens. But since he has been this way to u he doesn't deserve to see u sad or think your thinking about him. U do what u have to do and if he wants to see your lo then deal with him. Don't go out of your way. Like u said u need the time to heal and move on. In my opinion it sounds like you are already doing a lot better. Keep up the positive attitude sounds like you're doing great job!

MommyLovesSparkle

I'm so sorry your going through this but keep telling yourself it will get better because it will! When your baby gets older he/she will be your best friend and you won't need anyone else. Stay strong mommy i know you can do it!

RTMommy

How are you doing today, hon? Just wanted to check in with you.

rjr33

@RTMommy I am ok.. I had a break down last night though. I had a serious panic attack. Baby was screaming and it was just me and her and I could not calm her down. I went to see if my mom was awake and she was sleep so I went back in my room and broke down. I got like a lump in my throat and it was like I couldn't breathe. So I had to go back and wake my mom up for her to take the baby. It was scary. I have never felt that way before. Idk if I need to ask my dr about some kind of other medicine. It's hard because I don't like asking people for help but last night was bad. I am feeling better today though. I got some sleep and I ate a real meal. I just want to feel better. I dont want to look back and regret not enjoying my daughter at this age. It is just so hard doing it alone. Thank you for checking on me!

@amab13 Thank you. I haven't heard of colic calm or lavender baths. I'll have to look that up. I started introducing formula to her and got similac sensitive. It says it helps with fussy and gassy babies. I actually have seen a difference since I started it. I know she senses my tension I have been trying so hard it's not easy though.

@MommyLovesSparkle Thanks. I am excited for her to start smiling and laughing. I know it will help me heal seeing her happy.

@jules yeah I do not plan to go out of my way for him anymore. I know I deserve so much better. I just wanna get through this and feel ok.

RTMommy

I'm glad you have your mom. I hate asking for help too, but sometimes we need it to be good mommies. Sounds like a panic attack. I've had them before. It can be so scary. Try to remember to eat and rest when she does. Being hungry and exhausted only makes you feel worse, so good for you for getting both in today. Give your meds another week or so to work, and if you still don't feel better, maybe they need to up the dose a touch...not necessarily change the medication. Keep your head up, hon. Things will get better!

allyssasmommy

wow hunny im sorry i would have the doc put you on zoloft to help bc you can still bf with it and if your looking on weaning her what helps is taking benadryl at night and then feeding her every other feeding with bottle i had to do this at 11 because of my ppd had gotten so severe that i didnt want to live anymore after your done bf there are a lot more meds that work great that can help and your not alone with her thats why they make awesome sites like this one for help and support i would also see if there are some church or mother baby groups form single mothers to helps with support i hope this helps