There's always a reason right? *VENT... update at top*

edited January 2013 in Relationships
So... I found conversations between my husband and his ex-f'n-wife... Very graphic convo's talkin about how he wants her to grind on him and junk. She says "I want you to make me cum so hard I can't stand"... he says "well you'll have to wait until Feb". Huh... well, see, she lives in TX... it just so happens we will BE in TX for our mother f'n ANNIVERSARY in Feb. Great, cool... hubby planned on going to screw his ex-wife while we're there. Why am I surprised? I'm not really... I mean, that old sayin "once a cheater always a cheater" right? He left his ex-wife for me... why would I assume I'm special. This isn't the first time he's been caught talking to another girl either... just the first time it happened to be his ex-wife.

Maybe this is the reason I can't keep a baby... maybe I'm not supposed to have one with him. I don't know what to do. He goes thru this periods where he finds a random girl to talk to... sometimes nothing bad, but he ACTS like it's bad because he hides it. Sometimes it's totally inappropriate. I've already been divorced once.. I wasn't planning on going thru it twice but goddamn... how often do I have to draw the line and tell him to knock it off!?? I already have self-esteem issues stemming from feeling worthless because I keep losing pregnancies... why on EARTH does he feel the need to do things to add to it?!

There are times I really just want out. More often than not though, I just chose to ignore it because it would be a nasty divorce and I know it. He's the vindictive type. But I also know that eventually, if he doesn't quit, I won't care anymore and I'll just walk away. We talk things out EVERY time... he says he understands and he doesn't mean anything by it. He won't do it again... blah blah blah..

So, my ex-boyfriend... I still talk to him because I've been friends with him since I was 15/16... well hubby keeps trying to tell me I'm not ALLOWED to talk to him because our break-up was bad (long story there, ex had a wicked case of PTSD). I talk to him anyway. I tell my husband he's not allowed to talk to the girl he CHEATED on me with... and he's trying to say it's a double standard that I can talk to my ex but he can't his... huh. Magic...

Well we're on our way back to MS from NE after xmas and I had the opportunity to give up my plane seat and receive a first class ticket on the flight out the next morning, plus a $350 travel voucher. All I would do is call my parents and have them come get me for the night. No big deal! Hubby tells me no, I can't stay in NE without him... after a while he admits because he thinks I'll go do something with my ex... WHO LIVES IN MOTHER-F'N MINNESOTA! (Which, in case you're wondering, is NOT in Nebraska...) Really? Okay, so you don't trust me at ALL even though I have NEVER given him reason not to... other than the fact that I refuse to stop talking to a friend (Nothing inappropriate BTW). Sooooo.... I need to be baby-sat because hubby has a guilty conscience? I mean really. How pathetic. I'm so aggravated at losing a $350 voucher that would let me go visit my parents one more time before I deploy because my husband has issues.

**** sooooo New years eve, as were getting ready to go to bed (im drunk as a skunk so details are hazy) he tells me that if things don't change, we need a divorce. Well wow... Okay, wtf do YOU have to complain about?? Well he says because I don't love on him anymore and he feels like a room mate... Well, asshole, why would I love on you when you're talking to other girls?!?! Who the piss are YOU to threaten ME with a divorce?! I should be the one throwing that out there, not you... So he doesn't understand that after 4 losses in 1 year, I'm just not into sex right now... On TOP of the shit he's pulling. He wants to go to counseling. I'd love to see what a counselor has to say about all this mess. This keeps getting better and better!!
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Comments

  • Just me personally, but there is no way that I would stand for any of the above. First of all...god knows what he could bring home to you. Second of all you worth so much more then this. This is not love, and I feel like you know that. It breaks my heart to know you have to live like that. You are a grown women, perfectly capable of standing on your own to feet. You are strong and have been through SO many unfair things...this isn't right though. No real man should treat a women like this. I know Im coming off blunt and I don't mean to....I don't necessarily agree with divorce in most cases, but how long are you supposed to be treated like a doormat....?? You are worth so much and have so much to offer....I say you give an ultamadium sp? And make him take a hard look in the mirror..if he chooses to not change I think you have your answer.

    We are all here for support and I really hope he comes around!! Again sorry if this sounds pushy...I mean it from a good place, I promise :)
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  • I agree with the above. You do NOT deserve that. He is being controlling and manipulative because of his own indiscretions. Looks like you have already given him a chance. He blew it. There's no kids involved in your divorce. I say make a run for it before he crushes you even further.
  • ^ I agree!! Don't put up w this! Ur way better then that. *hugs* sorry ur dealing w all of this.
  • @mommyofcolten Be as blunt as you want, lol... the thing that stops me is the months at a time where he's behaving. Now granted I guess it could just be considered a temporary remission or something.

    @homebirthadvocate @captivated I was shocked when he told me why he didn't want me staying one more night... When I got mad he got mad right back and he said "What, the one time I actually tell you NO, you're gonna act like this?!" Which is true... he very rarely tells me no. But I felt totally justified in being angry about this.
  • How will you be able to concentrate, be at ease and have some comfort when you are deployed when you'll be worried of his fidelity. I think in your heart you know what to do and YES, I believe everything happens for a reason. Good luck!
  • @mommyof3girls I don't know if I have enough energy to actually leave anymore to be completely honest. It's pretty pathetic. The amount of work involved to leave would be incredible. All I wanna do is get outa the military, go home and live with my parents (yes... a 27 year old wants to go home for a while and be taken care of), and go back to school to get a job I WANT. To bad life doesn't work like that huh.
  • @mijita Haha, see there's the thing... I think I'm waiting to literally catch him with his pants down instead of just talking to other girls. Maybe that'll put a burr up my ass enough to get me to do something other than bitch... because I'm pretty sure he's gonna f*ck up while I'm gone.
  • And what if, by waiting, he brings home something to you that can't be cured?
  • ^^^^ That was my first thought....normally the line between sending sexually explicit things and cheating is very blurred... I would be willing to guess its gone farther more then you're willing to let yourself believe.
  • Ok, im going to make a wild guess to go with the why i think he is being such a jerk.
    Im assuming you both met while he was still married. Then he got a divorce to be with you. If that was the case, you might be dealing with a man that probably feels like you didn't respect yourself when you decided to have something with him knowing he had a wife, so that is why he feels he shouldn't have to respect you.

    I don't want you to think that i see you as some kind of whore, because i don't but i do know that some men are assholes... especially cheaters.
    In all honesty, he doesn't deserve you. It sounds like he doesn't appreciate you at all, and that is not the kind man you want in your life. You are not some piece of meat that he gets to throw around whenever he wants too. You should definitely not allow him to treat you like that. If he keeps cheating on you, he is eventually gonna catch something and pass it onto you. Cheating is not ok, no matter what the reason may be.
  • I don't think he's legitimately cheated yet, but I agree... It's only a matter of time. And @perly ding ding ding!!! I have a feeling that's what happened too... I honestly think he's got this complex about needing to be wanted... By others. He feels hes more a man when he's got others coming after him...
  • @redshadoe0 then if that is the case, you have 2 options. You can either leave him, move on, be happy and find the man that truly deserves you; or you can sit down and buckle up for the ride, because he can change but it will take very long. In the meanwhile, you will experience a lot of doubt and pain... And the change you hope for may never come.

    Only you know how much more you can handle, and if its worth going through all of that.
    In my opinion, you shouldn't put up with it anymore. He will never see the true value of you until he loses you. You never know. That's probably what he needs. You leaving him might be his wake up call.
  • Well, 27 is still young. Staying because its easier will not make anything better. A lifetime is a long time to be unhappy. I don't care how much a man feels the need to fell wanted by other women... When u get married u commit to another human being. U don't get to flirt around, and chase other women. Idk, only u can decide what's best for u. It's a really crappy situation. :(
  • I see cheating as a betrayal of trust.... he has totally disrespected you and the vows you made when you got married. Seriously he was going to sleep with his ex while you were in Texas for your anniversary.... how could you ever trust him again
  • put ur foot dwn reasons he keeps doing it cause u allow it. meaning by that u stay with him. does he know u know about he's conversation with the ex wife?
  • @roxy yes he knows... I haven't screamed at him like that in a very long time. He said he was "just fucking with her head and I should know he would never ever do that"... Psh.
  • He needs to realize that he is fucking with your head too.
  • Im sorry but i hate cheaters with a passion. I have no kind of sympathy for them, and i think they don't deserve second chances. But then again, the meaning of cheating to me is a lot different than it is to others so maybe that is why i think the way i do.
  • @perly I agree... I told my husband if I ever found out he was messing around at all I was done... no questions nothing... just done
  • Hubby and I agree, you need to drop the loser. Even if he is super vindictive with the divorce hubby pointed out you can nail him with breech of contract. The military frowns upon infidelity and will probably hook you up with some help. You deserve a better life than this, also side note I totally got excited when you mentioned Nebraska. I'm from there.
  • I'm from Nebraska too! (Sterling and Lincoln)
  • Im from Texas lol...
    But i don't know the ex wife lol
  • Hahaha lol @perly ... if you did we would be having you sick the dogs on her!
  • The hardest and most difficult decisions are almost always the right ones.

    The easy way (avoiding hassles of divorce) are almost always the wrong ones .
  • I just never thought I'd be 'that girl on her nth marriage' ya know? I mean, hell, am I not woman enough to keep a man's attention or something??

    I left the one man that wants me unconditionally (happens to be the ex) because severe PTSD issues... Now I look back and kick myself at the situation i find myself in. Married to a man who caters to me... Most of the time... But can't seem to respect me enough to do the simplest thing ever and make me feel like I'm the one and only.
  • I'm so sorry. But you are not a failure if you do leave. Can you try counseling? It says much more about your character and self respect to leave an unhealthy situation for you! What others think of your relationship, marriages, divorces needs to be pushed wayyyy back in your mind! It is simply irrelevant!
  • @redshadoe0 Its not that you're not woman enough, its that you are too much woman for those two guys :)
  • edited December 2012
    I'm so sorry your going through this... But he sounds like an ass you shouldn't even have to tell the man you're married to not to do things like this he should be soo in love with you and happy and thankful for the amazing women you are that he would have no desire to talk to any other women like that. I hope everything works out for you.
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