Dad/stepdad. I need a couple opinions.

tjscrd

Okay, I've been with my current boyfriend since I was a couple months pregnant with my son. I've known him for years so things fell into place very quickly. He was the one there when my son was born. His whole family took him in literally since day 1, my son had that whole family calling themselves aunties, uncles, cousins, a grandpa and grandma's, you'd never know they weren't even biological. If my bf and I fought he'd tell me he wanted to work things because he didn't want to lose my son. My boy's 'biological' family has never made an effort to see him or even ask about him. I tried and tried to contact them and set things up since he was born and they'd just disappear and 'lose' my number for the 30th time. His dad is an alcoholic loser who lives in another state and is back in prison for all I know and I see absolutely NO future of him or even his family coming around. Now fastforward my son is 18 months and my boyfriend and I have a beautiful 2 month old baby girl.

I previously never referred to my boyfriend as my son's dad because I wasn't sure if he'd be comfortable with that. But I always noticed when he did so on his own. It was much more frequent until our daughter was born so I finally asked him what he wanted. He wants my son to know him as his dad and nothing else. So that's what it's been since. If my son does something like him he tells everyone "that's because he's a (my bfs last name)" If someone asks how many kids he has he always includes my son as his own. An outsider would NEVER know the difference. He doesn't even like discussing things like that around my son because he doesn't want him to catch on that he's not actually his real dad. And I'm okay with that..because I honestly don't want him to know about the no-good people that don't even care how he's doing.. I personally think it's for the best, but I'm basically lying to my baby and I would never want him to feel decieved by me when he's older when it were to surface. I have no idea how to balance the situation and what I'm going to say when he's old enough to fully understand. What do I tell him, what's okay, what's okay not to say, what should really be said? He has my last name, what happens when he asks why his sister has a different one? I'm 21 and my boyfriend is 22. As much as I am in love with him I'm still also cautious because I also don't know how to handle it should we ever seperate. I'm just lost.

tjscrd

Sorry for the book!

MissAmErika

Well the last name can be changed... My dad wasnt around when my oldest bro was born so my mom gave him her last name and he came back and they had to sign adoption papers to change my brothers last name lol he still doesnt know hes adopted.

My sons dad is pretty bad too, idk if we will last, and his family has nothing to do with my son so i just remember how lucky my son is to have my own family cuz they adore him. If youre comfortable with how things are going, then dont worry so much, things will fall into place. And im pretty sure your son wont feel "deceived" when everyone loves him like he really is a biological family member.

perly

I wouldn't worry about it now cause he's little, but i would try finding help once he gets a little older so you can tell him the truth. People say that what he doesn't know won't hurt him, but you never know if things will remain the same in the future. I know its hard to believe, but people change. You never know if the biological father will one day decide he wants to be part of his son's life and just look for him.

Basically what i mean is that you never know what the future holds. Its better off for you to come clean to him once he's old enough to understand than for you to keep it in and risk the chance of him find out through someone else. Take in mind that if that were to happen, it could potentially destroy the relationship between you and your son. That's a bond that should never be broken.

MorgDeeBee

My husband was adopted by his dad when he was little and all he says is his dad was the one who raised him and will always be his dad. He has no contact with his biological father and has no interest in it. You can always change his last name later.

barnecuth

well im 22 and have only just found out my dad is not my biological dad my mum kept leaving it to tell me but the older I got the harder she said it was to tell me as I had grown up thinking he was my biological dad I was so heart broken when they told me so I think you should make it clear what the situation is when hes at the age to understand dont leave it till hes much older

Wilsomom

I think you should tell him when he's old enough to emotionally handle it. Once he's old enough to explain why you waited & understand the whole story. Maybe 8 or 10 depending on his maturity. If you word it right, he can actually feel very loved & blessed to know that your bf took him in and accepted him as his own son. I think it's a very noble thing he did that requires a lot of self-sacrifice, responsibility & unconditional love! What an amazing father he truly is! I think when you first tell him he may feel overcome with rejection from his biological father, BUT... He will be more overcome with the joy & realization that he was "adopted" by your bf & received as his own flesh & blood. He is receiving a blessing through him that many abandoned children never get. He's filling that void & hole that could've been in your child's heart. And please hear me... YOU ARE NOT LYING TO YOUR SON! Your bf IS his dad....every child on earth has a longing to be loved & cherished by their father & your bf is filling that need for your son! Your son is being saved from possibly years or decades of grief & pain that could've resulted if your bf hadn't chosen to selflessly become the father he needs. I'm so sorry to write a book, but this subject is very near to my heart. I (yes, me, "super christian mom") had a one night stand while divorced. My current husband married me at 3 months pg & took my daughter as his own. When we explained everything to her at age 9, she was overcome with emotion that my husband treated her just the same as all our other kids. She cried for about 2 days & constantly told him he was the best dad in the world & that she loved him so much. She even wrote him thanking him & telling him how wonderful he is! Again, I'm sorry this is so long!!!

starrxoxo9

@wilsomom omg you're making me cry!!! Lol

tjscrd

Thank you @wilsomom I really liked your reply. I just had a mini panic mode.. I've gotten a few people in my life just throwing in their unnecessary two-cents, some saying it's completely wrong to let him believe it at all, some saying never to even tell him. My boyfriend is definitely his dad whether people can accept it or not. MY little family is happy the way we are. I just don't want my son to hurt in any way because of it, because he is loved way more than I'm sure he'll ever realize. I just want to do what's best. Plus I'm struggling with how much I should tell him if anything about his biological dad, because he's not a good person.. at all! I'm sure when the time is right I'll find the right words..hopefully, but i mean, he's only 18 months old lol I have a few years to grow and learn some more.

perly

I always say, tell the truth and let that person make their own judgement based on what they see. I have no doubt that if you tell him the truth about his biological father one day, he will always love you and his dad(your bf) because he will not only see how important you thought it was to be honest, but also how much love he's received his whole life.
Just like @wilsomom daughter. They told her the truth and she loved them even more for it. (by the way @wilsomom, everytime you post or comment on something, i am more and more convinced that you are super mom!!).
Its truly and eye opener. It will not only allow him to know "where he came from" but also who loved him and cared for him unconditionally all along! You'll know when the time is right and i trust that you'll do what's right in your heart.

Wilsomom

@starrxoxo9 If it makes you feel any better I cried while writing it! Lol Like I said it's very near to my heart because I lived basically a very similar circumstance.

@kitshay You're welcome! I understand all the crazy emotions you're feeling. I've spent many sleepless nights crying & wondering what to do & say too. You have to do what you know is right in your heart for your family. And if you're seriously committed to your bf, you have to consider his feelings too. If you guys were to get married soon you could possibly tell him the name is different because you had him before you got married. Just a thought.

Wilsomom

@perly You're my confidence booster! lol

captivated

It is absolutely up to you. Blood doesn't make a father. this man is your child's father regardless. However, if it was me, I wouldnt have him grow up not knowing the truth. The truth won't matter to him because he is his father and the only one he's known.

jules

Well I'm adopted so in my point of view I think its smart that ur trying to figure this out and protect ur son bc ur still young and u guys aren't married. Once ur bf makes a commitment to that if that's what u might want later on then I would think about everyone having the same last name and if he truly loves ur son as his own he shouldn't having any problems adopting him legally. But as far as keeping the truth from ur son I do not agree with that. I'm not saying he needs to know every little detail bc he is young but I've seen cases like this obviously kinda like myself and its so much healthier for the child to know the truth naturelly. So if u think u two are serious and this guy will be around forever which I wish u the best he sounds like great guy then its up to u weather ur son should continue calling him dad. But the last name until its changed he can continue going by ur u can simply say well that's mommys name and some kids have their mommys name that's all isn't that fun just stay positive. And when his older and asks the next question about ur bf and the last name thing and his sister having different name then u tell the truth and follow by saying that his your daddy though bc he loves u very much and has been part of our family since before u were born the child naturelly starts to understand that that person really does love him. Not having that conversation can end badly I've seen it happen to our family friends not only does the child feel lied to but they feel like their entire life was a lie and that this person is reason why they don't know their real father and end up having hate for that person and the mother which u guys don't deserve since u do nothing but love and provide but that's just naturel. My advice is to be honest at every question but in poritive way and lightly nothing too complicated and maybe it would be good to get together with child phsychologist they will be able to explain this to u as a parent and prepare u bc they have cases like this all the time.

Frantastic

You should defiantly tell your son when he is old enough to understand. My best friend found out a year ago that the man who raised her isn't her father. Her family had wanted to tell her but her mom didn't want her to know ever. Her mom passed away when we were 19 and even after her moms death her family still kept it from her. When my friend found out the truth she was angry and hurt that everyone lied to her. She felt rejected by her bio dad and her dad that raised her was sad that she was so upset. Now she's accepted everything but it was really devastating for her.

mummy_to_be

I haven't read anyone else's responses but it's a tough one. Two of my friends have 3 kids to 3 fathers, but the final person that they had a child to is known as "dad". They don't see there father'sabut they know of them. I don't think they recognise the word dad, to mean that's where they came from. They see it as who is raising them. There still all young (under 7). Remember, aachild doesn't know his sperm made them. I think children recognise a father to be who their mother is with (as the movies carries the baby), so don't be afraid to let them know that when theywwere in mummies tummy, they had a different dad. That's the best way I can explain it. Xxx

Math_Mommy

This is a really tough one. IMO, there are only 2 options (not telling him the truth, or waiting until he's an adult are not an option, imo). My first reaction was something to the effect of what wilsomom said...around 8-10 having an age appropriate conversation explaining that he has a biological father who is different than his dad; yet his dad loves and has always loved him as his own (and nothing will ever change that). Regardless of how carefully you two express this, you run the risk that your son will feel betrayed and hurt. Option #2 would be to speak of his biological father in the context of daily conversation (not that you have to speak of him daily...) from the time he learns how to talk. This way there is no big secret, no risk of trust being lost, and no risk of him accidentally finding out the truth from a "well-meaning" friend or relative (which it sounds like he may have a few of in his life...). The way you explain the situation could evolve with his age/comprehension starting with something like, "God realized right away that he made a mistake ______(whatever you choose to call bio-dad) was never supposed to be your dad/Daddy was always supposed to be your dad. So God sent Daddy to us right away" or "Daddy knew the minute he met you that you were always meant to be his son". The risk with this option is that he may constantly look for ways your bf treats him differently (if youre driving down the street you may never see a single flag-pole; drive down the same street looking for flag-poles and you'll see dozens...) However if you speak of the situation casually, he may feel comfortable sharing concerns and asking questions as they arise in his head. Good luck!!!

Btw, I don't think our society gives enough credit to dads (and moms) who raise kids who aren't their biological children just as they would their own bio-kids. Its a truly amazing sacrifice and it shows such love and strength of character...there should be a special day (or month!) dedicated to these individuals!!!

MommyLovesSparkle

I didn't read any responses but I'm so happy your letting him call him dad I'd tell him later on it would just confuse him now. Your doing a great job

stephforever89

I think its a great Idea. A child needs both parent figures growing up.