My son is talking about moving in with his dad.

Wilsomom

I need opinions from anyone with any experience with this please. He's 17 & wants to stay the summer there then decide if he wants to stay. Here's my problems with it:
1. He lives over 12 hours away.
2. He has always said he hates his dad & stepmom & doesn't even want to see him, even up to a couple weeks ago.
3. His dad has seen him less than probably 15 times his entire life & had several periods of time (years) with no contact at all.
4. His dad doesn't know anything about raising kids & will probably let him get by with anything!

Positives:
1. He'll get to know his dad, whether that's a positive or negative thing.
2. That's all I can think of. Lol

My emotional side of it is that I sacrificed SO MUCH over the years, including being a single parent, & I raised him, put in all the time & effort, stayed up with him when he was sick, helped him learn to ride his bike, I was the tooth fairy, santa clause, I took him to the hospital when he broke his arm, had to get 15 stitches, I potty trained him, I was there when he wrecked his motorcycle, I've helped him through his tough times....I think you get the picture....and now, at the prime of his life, his dad gets to be there for all the glory!! To see him off as a young adult at the end of the journey?! This is the time I've been working toward since his birth! Ugh, I'm really frustrated, it's just not fair!!

natashalynn

I think he would resent you if you didn't let him. That being said, 18 isn't the end. Your son will eventually realize all YOU did and all his dad DIDN'T do. Maybe explain to him your reasoning why you don't want him to go (as unbiased as you can) s but you love him regardless, that he's almost a grown man and can make his own decisions. And of course, that he's welcome back.

perly

Is this the one that has been feeling suicidal?

Wilsomom

@perly Yes! But he signed up for a partial hospitalization program that lasts about 4 weeks. He would be there most of the day participating in the programs, than home in the evenings.

JoshnEviesmum

you have to let him go. i totally understand your feelings, although if you resist this, he will resent you, and you will bear the brunt of having, in his mind 'ruined his relationship' with daddy. Now, hopefully, what will happen is that he will go, realise how the grass is NOT greener, and want to come home. If his dad lets him get away with crap, so be it. I can guarantee daddy wont want trouble being brought to his home from what may as well be a near enough stranger, so he will soon send him home to you if thats the case. I think the time away will benefit you all. Having some space may allow your son to see things more clearly, and as long as he knows mama is still there for him, you have a great chance of him wanting to come home.

perly

@wilsomom normally i would tell you to let him go. I would tell you that he would eventually see the difference and come right back, BUT being that he has these suicidal feelings, it might not be such a great idea to be put in a situation in which the depression can easily come back. Im sure he's going to receive help before he goes, but therapy is only part of the journey. Everyday is a working process, and the therapy he receives before he goes might be useless to him. If he were emotionally stable, i would absolutely tell you to let him go but since he's not i can't tell you that letting him go is the best.

Starlilly

Maybe a change is what he needs. Maybe he needs to get a way for a while to clear his head. I'd let him go. Tell his father everything that is going on so he can keep an eye on him. Keep in contact with him and if things aren't going good you can bring him back home or call for help where he's at. He's 17 one year from being 18, let him see how much you do, do for him and your family. I think he could be good for him. Everyone needs a break sometimes and this may be his way of telling you he needs a break from it all. Give him a chance.

natashalynn

Ah I thought this was the other son. Since hell be receiving care, I'd talk to them about it. See what they say, and suggest. They may talk to him about it and even suggest a different program.

captivated

He is 17, dear. I think you've got to let him go, regardless of whether it is the right thing for him to do or not. You've got to trust him and hope he makes the correct decisions. If he didn't, he'd be making his own decisions shortly anyways. You cannot watch over him forever!

Wilsomom

I understand I have to let him go. That's kind of my whole point...to let him go when it's time to. I don't think it's time. I mean I WANT him to get out on his own & get a job, an apartment, have a life, etc. because that's my goal...to raise a responsible young man that can make it in life. I think my problem is that he's doing it for the wrong reason...to get away, escape so to speak. I don't think that's the right reason. Idk, I'm gonna talk to him about it tonight.

perly

@wilsomom the thing is that you'll really never know if the time is right until he really is out on his own and making it.
I think you should talk to him, and if its something he really wants to do, then help him find the help(therapy) he's gonna need while he's out there and encourage him to keep a communication with you so that you know that he's depression isn't getting worse.

Wilsomom

@perly Yeah, I'll definitely talk to him about it tonight. He just casually mentioned it so I'm not 100% sure exactly what he's wanting or why. His older sister went through the same thing, but ended up not going.

jules

I think talk to his doc ask their opinion and if the doc said it's not good idea then be honest with him . I think if his dad is up for it then do your best to be supportive the more positive you are the better chance he will miss home and come back sooner!

Wilsomom

@jules I'll try to be positive...fake it till ya make it..lol

jules

Lol exactly! I mean I don't know why all the sudden he wants to go but I hope it will be good thing!

sands3

If he hates his dad, maybe it'll be good to let him go for the few weeks during summer. He'll soon remember why he hates him and come back home where's he's loved and taken care of.

Wilsomom

@sands3 I was thinking the same thing. Then that little fear creeps in that wonders if he'll love it. Also I left his dad due to his abusive tenancies & violent outbursts so that scares me too. I know that was a long time ago, but it still haunts me.

sands3

Oh I bet. I'd be scared to. I wish I knew what to say to ease your mind, but I don't think anything will. Unfortunately you need to let him decide...you don't have to, he's still a minor, but like the other ladies said, he may resent you if you don't allow him to see how things go

Wilsomom

@sands3 Yeah I agree. And like his older sister, it's possible that it might not pan out anyways.

sands3

Yup.

jules

Do u think his dad put the idea in his head? And he wouldn't actually go through with it. Honestly I think if his dad knows what's been going on his either thinking the kid needs a break but at same time I hope his not running away from the problem there a lot going on right now it could be good for him to her break and think.

Wilsomom

@jules it's possible, I'm not sure. We ended up talking tonight about some other things. He really opened up & talked about his friends & depression, etc. we ended up just listening to music together for a while after talking lol. He's really opening up & it feels good. I told him I'd still like to talk about his dad tmrw & he said ok.

jules

Well that's great! The more he opens up the healthier he will get the closer u two are the more time he will want to spend with you. And although it's good to be with his dad and I usually say it should be equally especially since I have step daughter however in your case since he hasn't reached out to his son nearly as much as he should have I think your son is perfectly fine with you the person who has taken care of him his entire life no matter what

Roxy

sry for late post........ but if u think about it u got the best times in he's life while growing from birth to grown u got to see him grow also teach him. he knows who cares more its just a time in a life he wants he's dad I would send him maybe he'll see a different n life while over there

Wilsomom

@Roxy Thank you, yeah you're right, I think it will all end up working out good in the end somehow.