a blog i thought i would share *** UPDATE ***
I'm lying here with tears rolling down my cheeks. My amazing boyfriend and my beautiful daughter are sound asleep. I've escaped to the bedroom to be alone with my emotions. 9 months ago I gave birth to a healthy happy perfect little girl. I felt as if my every dream had come true. We named her Giana. We brought her home and I was in love, instantly. Several weeks went by and I noticed that I began feeling funny. I've suffered from mild to moderate panic disorder and just figured it was showing its ugly face once again. I called my obgyn and he suggested a ssri which I know makes me worse so instead he gave me a script for klonopin, a benzodiazepine. I was very hesitant to begin taking this because I had only been on this type of medicine once for less then 2 months and with my family history I'm terrified of addiction. Several more days passed and the panic attacks increased, I began feeling as if I was disconnected from everything and everyone around me. People who were friends seemed strange I even remember looking at my dogs and thinking how weird life was, nothing seemed real. Here I was, this out going social butterfly trapped in what seemed to be a dream land but scarily enough possibly my new reality. At that point I knew I had to start my medication. We started off extremely low, lower then prescribed, and it sort of took the edge off but not enough. I still felt like a prisoner, I couldn't even leave the house without having an attack and feeling like death was stalking me. Each day seemed to become more and more challenging. I finally increased my dosage to what was recommended and felt some relief but still I knew something wasn't right but I was just going to shut up and fight it the best I knew how. I have Medicaid so my choices of shrinks are almost non existant, so I went to see my primary care Dr. Kara Hamilton. She recommended I stay on the klonopin twice daily for possibly the rest of my life. Ok that was it I freaked out, the rest of my life? This stuff is habit forming...my family history...I want to be around for my daughter and Damien, not strung out on pills and I want more kids. I agreed to a 9 week therapy on these meds with myself. Well that didn't last long and about 2 weeks later I went to see the only shrink in town that takes Medicaid. First though I had to see one of their therapists who was a nice girl, but young and very reserved. I feel I was more entertainment to her and we became more like friends. I got to see the dr the following week and gave him a brief run down, I can't take ssri's I think I have some type of post partum anxiety disorder, 2-3 years ago I was given librium for 8 weeks as treatment and boom they went away. That's all he needed to hear and wrote my prescription...not what are your symptoms...tell me more no questions just drugs. That worked for a month or so when I then knew by my own research it was time to reduce my dosage to avoid any dependance. I went back again told him what I wanted and he said ok insisting it was unnecessary but if I insisted then fine even though I was on such a small dosage of medication. I was successful on cutting my dose in half, still functioning and feeling so so for a little over a month. It was time again for my dose reduction and this time he wanted me to try a new medicine, which I found terrifying because of past experience and it wasn't a medicine that made sense for my symptoms so we just stayed with the dose reduction. That next month my life got crazy, stressful just out of control and I started to feel awful again. I made another appointment with the Dr and this time he was running late so he pushed me off on one of his nurse practitioners. We decided it was almost time for another dose reduction so she wrote me a script and once again I was off...not what are your symptoms...nothing. The day of getting that filled I took a home pregnancy test and it came back positive. I immediately emailed my Dr asking what to do and he once again made light of the situation and said just stop taking it completely. I wound up having a miscarriage day 4 but decided I was already off of it what the hell..here comes day nine, I'm at work and I start feeling really bad...omg...I'm freaking out. I'm having a panic attack, full blown and I have two clients...I some how manage to finish their hair and off to the er I go...it lasted for almost 4 hours!!!!! I went to my Dr the next day and he recommends a ssri, which he knows I can't take but I try it anyway because he insists. It made me wacko I had an attack that lasted 2 days!! Well that was about a month ago and I had been put back on my low dose of meds which didn't help so I went back and we increased it to my max...3 days later I find out I'm pregnant again and I have to come off of my medicine so that the baby doesn't have birth defects, I'm scared, I feel awful and on top of it all my horomones are nuts and I'm a crying fool. No one wants to take on the liability of managing my meds while pregnant so here I am...forced to figure it out on my own...I really hope I can do this...lord please give me the strength to be in my right mind during this whole process and whatever I did to make you angry enough to punish me with this, I'm truly sorry.
Comments
@jess510 what in the world made you better?? I tried reading your blog and it won't let me.
@rtmommy I'm going to try to find a way to possibly do yoga and my support system is solid thank heaven's!!
The hardest part of this is that I don't see a Dr to put me on a plan of tapering off of my meds until Thursday so I've taken it in my own hands and I'm terrified. I wake up literally each morning shaking, pupils dialated and just scared.
When I decide to have another baby I will continue to take my meds during my pregnancy. Please ladies don't judge me for this, but it's what would be best for me and baby. Some people have told me I shouldn't have any more children, but I believe thats my choice.
I just changed my bog yesterday so anyone could view it..... I hope it works please try again.
@angel26 do you already have children???
@blessedtxmom ugh isn't it crazy, I actually called a hotline and they have no resources here in Charlotte and even they were surprised at the lack of help. When I get better, notice I said when bc I will find a way out of this, I'm going to try to start a foundation for moms like me.
@blessedtxmom thank you!!
@angel26 have you ever gone to see a dr ab what's going on??
@angel26 its so frustrating when you try different meds over and over and nothing helps. It makes you lose hope in health care
@blessedtimes2 thank you!!!
@dadof2n1togo I hope everything is ok
@jess510 thank you!! And thank you for listening and for all of your support!!